You know, I have tried starting this blog post three separate times. Thinking I might share the events of this past weekend. Which was ok. The weekend that is. I thought I might tell you about the beach and the shitty weather and how I had obtained a stress induced case of lockjaw. But it just doesn’t feel right. Like it’s not really what I want to talk about.

“What DO you want to talk about, Chelsea?” you probably aren’t asking. Well, I’ll tell you… I don’t know. I don’t know because my brain seems to be entirely incapable of putting into words the exact thing that I am feeling. A feeling so engrossing that I can’t stop thinking about it. And that is probably because it isn’t just one thing. It is a cornucopia (Why did I use that word? I don’t like that word.) of emotions and sensations and thoughts and ideas and everything all at once and I just cannot manage to separate any of it into even a remotely coherent string of text… Overwhelmed… I’m overwhelmed.  Actually, that kind of sums it all up.

No. There is more to it and I’m not stopping with that. I am going to express myself, goddamnit! 

It’s easy to know exactly what other people should do when faced with undesirable situations. Shitty boyfriend? Burn his house down! Neighbor’s car alarm keeps going off in the middle of the night right after you managed to finally fall asleep? Set that bitch on fire! (The car, not your neighbor. Or both? Yeah, fuck it. Set’em both on fire.) But then when you’re faced with those same situations, it suddenly becomes so. fucking. hard. to take your own damn advice. Suddenly, you’re not so sure that your go-to solution of burning shit down is really the right thing for YOU to do. 

Now you’re watching your dreams pass you by because you were too afraid to take the action that you knew you needed to take. Then you rationalize why you never put yourself first and how it just wasn’t the right time because you had to do this other thing or help someone else do their thing and now you feel like it’s too late and you don’t have the time or the money or energy and blah…blah…blah. And maybe that’s all true and valid; but what about you? When do you get what you want out of life?

Well, I’m not doing that anymore. I’ve spent all of my existence adjusting myself and my wants and needs to fit into a life and scenarios that were never intended for people like me. The ones who are messy, neurotic and forgetful but also creative and thoughtful (sometimes painfully so.) The ones who are quiet, intentional and feel every single thing that vibrates in the air around them. The ones who see everything about you but won’t let you see them. The ones who value friendships but also realize that they are, ultimately, a novelty and prefer to be alone where they can truly be themselves in all of their gremlin glory. The ones who aren’t meant to live in a box of regularity.

That is why I quit my job today.